I Just Wanna Eat!!!

LOL!!! I hate dieting! My new Motto... I JUST WANNA EAT!! I look in my fridge and the first thing I go for is the cheese... which is like the worst!! I Love.... no, LOVE cheese and It's my vice. I have cut down a lot on cheese and I've been working out everyday and although I refuse to weigh myself I know that i'm gradually losing weight, which brings me to my dilemma..... I just want to eat..... an in-n-out burger w/ extra cheese and some quesadillas w/ extra cheese and a yummy pizza hut pizza w/ extra cheese.... I would even settle for some hot cheetos (w/some nacho cheese) :) but I think of the future baby I want to carry and I realize I need to carry him/her in a healthy leaner, better shape body to give him/her a fighting chance to survive the first 2 months. So I need some motivation... Ideas... recipes so that boredom wont pursuade me towards that yummy yummy cheese :)

The "D" Word!!

I was so shocked to learn that some of my friends and/or aquaintances are getting Divorced! I always look to my in laws as an example of a long lasting love and marriage, I have asked them their secret cause they've been married for 28 years almost 29 and they seem to be very happy!And all they really say is to respect one another, and I think I finally know what they mean by that. Our generation is seriously screwed up and we're not even aware of it! I myself try to be a good wife and think I am a good one but I truly am not a great wife! What great wife still considers ex-boyfriends "friends"? What great wife talks to old friends that maybe at one point feelings were exchanged? I dont hide anything from my husband he knows who i talk to and what we talk about. He has all of the passwords to my emails and webpages but just talking to these people is disrespectful! My mother-in-law says you have to put your marriage into a bubble and not to let anything harmful into that bubble. You just worry about your spouse and his/her needs and in return your spouse will do the same <~~ She is a wise woman!! My marriage has had it's ups and downs and the downs were rough almost earth shattering but we got through them but apparently I didnt learn enough from those moments. Trust is a huge deal breaker, because if you dont trust your spouse life itself is miserable (I know this from personal experience) Communicating is harder than it sounds... and in reality making love last is the hardest job anyone can have it doesnt just come as easily as it did before marriage! I felt sadness to learn those marriages were falling apart. it makes me put my marriage into persepective. What would happen If Mario and I just couldnt make things work anymore? My heart would break for my son, he would be the one who suffers. I need to take a"Big Picture" look at my choices and see if they are worth losing the love of my life and hurting my son who is my world..... Nothing is worth that!

Looking Past the Fear

Today I woke up and realized time is flying by. I cant seem to slow it down even for a little while. I think of all the new things that will come from leaving California once again and as exciting as it seems I am terrified of how this move will affect our lives. Growing up my sister, my mom and I were all we really had so leaving them when I got married was so hard, harder than i had even thought it would be. Now I have a godson who I love seeing and who my son loves to play with so much and i'll be taking that away from both he and I in a few months! This move also brings uncertainty, Will we find a good place to live? Will we meet new friends? Will my husband get deployment orders once we get there? Right now I live in such a perfect world with family 30 minutes away, no possibility of my husband getting deployed, the latest he comes home from work is 8 o'clock and I sleep soundly knowing that when I wake up he will be there next to me. Tomorrow always brings new suprises and all I can do is take them as they come. I have to look past my insecurities and be strong for my family who will definitely hate seeing us go. I will have to keep my eye on the prize... a new adventure and the possibility of coming home atleast 3 times a year :) Here's too New Possibilies!

4 Years Ago..........

4 Years ago today I took a leap, I left the world I knew behind and Married the boy I had been in love with since the moment I met him the summer of 1999. The day of our wedding he was not the same boy I had met a few years back but he was the one who put me first, the one who vowed to take care of me and give me children and he promised to give me a love I had only read about in romance novels. Although these 4 years have been rocky and overwhelming at times, he truly has kept his promises. 4 years ago today I made a vow in front of my closest friends and our families that I would love the man standing next to me for all eternity and I too have kept my promise. I jumped in my little honda filled with hope of a great life and left everything behind for my husband... and it was the most amazing decision of my life... today i have an amazing home that we have filled with memories of our son's first steps his first words and all of our bumps and bruises! Our son is the greatest accomplishment that has come from our union 4 years ago today! Here's to hopefully another 50+ years by their side!

Fighting the Demons I Have Created

For the past year my life has been a roller-coaster. I can see that now, About 4 or 5 months ago I thought my life was falling apart. I was tired of fighting and literally ready to throw in the towel, but then I looked into my son's eyes and saw a love so pure it was worth fighting for! I realized that I needed help a help my family and friends couldnt provide and I just wasnt equipt to take on the task of putting myself together piece by piece. I went to a professional. February 1st I saw a Therapist and It was an eye-opener. I had already set a goal for myself even before seeing Dr. Miller, I wanted to change my life. I was unhappy, well lets be real... I was miserable with a capital M!! And I found myself wondering why I was so miserable. I realized I had to love myself, be happy with myself and get control of my emotions before I could even begin working on my marriage! Thats when Dr. Miller came in.... My first session I was a total mess! I sobbed like I had never sobbed before. We talked about my childhood and how it plays a huge part in who I am today. My major issue was that I didnt feel like I was getting the affection and love I needed from my husband. Turns out Ive been dying for attention my whole life and as a kid I kept it inside and never spoke my mind about how I was feeling, Today I continue to stay quiet and thats my problem! I expected and assumed my husband knew what i needed and when i didnt get it I assumed he didnt love me! Now I have learned that HE CANT READ MY MIND!!! Duh!! I assumed it was his fault that i was depressed and miserable and i never thought I was why I was Miserable!! I learned to communicate what I am thinking without fear of what his response will be... I have seen the light! In as little as 3 sessions I now have the ability to love myself and be happy with who i am and not have to worry about pleasing everyone. My marriage has transformed into a loving sharing commited love... I remind him to hold my hand and that i need a kiss every now and then, that I love him and need him and he returns the love to me. Now i know he will support me in anything i do and i know that if needed he would be willing to go talk to someone together and maybe our love can continue to grow and flourish the way it has so far! I am still fighting the old habits of staying quiet but its easier to communicate what i'm feeling now that i know my love will always be there to listen!

....................................

Today was a blah kind of day, the weather was nicer than it has been for a while but my mood was what felt gloomy. I actually googled "symptoms of depression" and realized I'm not depressed atleast I dont think :) But anywho... Did some christmas shopping and found myself so annoyed with everyone! Especially myself for not having started shopping earlier in the year! People definitely have Christmas Fever! I started wrapping christmas gifts and thats when I realized my calling... I was born to wrap gifts. I have always been good at it but today I realized that odd shaped presents are my specialty! I might look into a career in giftwrapping... like I said BLAH!!

Almost two months

Wow I can't believe that he's been gone for almost two months and now it's already time for him to return home. The first week he was gone was difficult and long but then the time just kind of flew by. The distance definitely didnt bring us any closer together like I had hoped but it amazingly enough helped me sort through my thoughts since I had nothing else to do. Lots has happened since he left and ironically enough nothing REALLY has happened... I guess i just feel like lots has happened because I have come to realize so many things. Life is too short to spend it wishing for something to change. I have never liked being the girl that bithches and moans about her life... If i dont like something I need to change it and if it cant be changed then it's time to move on! The next few months are critical, holidays sometimes overwhelm us and although it should be a happy, warm, cozy, loving time I'm kind of dreading it. I wish I would just sleep through the next few months and just wake up to find everything resolved and in its place. I hate not knowing what the next move is but there's only one way to find out what that will be, although the question I need to ask is scary and not ideal I need to ask it before i fall out of love and hate invades my heart! I've kind of been rambling for the past month and no one ever really knows what i'm saying including myself but I am so emotionally exhausted I need an outlet and I finally found one even if what I write doesnt make any sence I feel better after I'm done... it's a cliché but truly only time will tell.....